


Eh?

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Star Trek The Gentle Seasons Series [31]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: April Fool's jokes, Crack, Developing Relationship, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Human Chess Game, M/M, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 04:00:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14156223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: Spring and skullduggery are in the air as Spock and McCoy unknowingly engage in a battle of wits with Kirk, and they further do not realize that Kirk is really playing Cupid for them.





	Eh?

**Author's Note:**

> This is as close as I could come to an April Fool's prank this year.

“I am supposed to do WHAT?!” 

“You heard me, Bones. Spend the night with Spock as if you were his sweetheart.”

“His sweetheart?! He would rather rip my head off at the neck then snuggle up to me!”

“Correction. He would rip the head off anyone who tries to harm one little, insignificant hair on your precious, sweet head. Except for me, of course," Kirk amended smugly. "And I could get away with murdering you, and he wouldn't bat an eye.”

McCoy shrugged. He couldn't argue with Kirk's assessment. Kirk could do no wrong in Spock's eyes. Of course, Spock likewise knew that Kirk would not harm one little, insignificant hair on McCoy's precious, sweet head and would probably rip the head off anyone who tried.

“Spock is very protective of you, just as you are of him." Kirk grinned, sickeningly sweetly. "It’s kind of cute, actually.”

“He certainly doesn’t act like he feels that way toward me,” McCoy grumbled.

“Get used to it. It’s real, even if you two don’t always act like it is when you’re around each other. That’s why this bet is kinda special. It involves you two.”

“What in the hell kind of bet did you lose now?!" McCoy snapped, instantly angry. "And why in the hell should I make good on it?!”

“Do it for the pride of the Enterprise?”

McCoy was not impressed.

“Do it because we’re buddies and because I asked you?”

“You don’t even want to know what I would want back in payment. But it involves your immortal soul and your retirement pension. Besides, there is absolutely nothing that you could possibly say that would ever entice me to--”

“Do it because the look on Spock’s face would be priceless?”

“Sold! Boy, this will be good,” McCoy said as he rubbed his hands together. “The Vulcan will be royally pissed off.”

“I knew that you’d be interested when you figured out the benefits,” Kirk said with a lazy grin.

“You must lead one helluva interesting life, that’s all that I can say,” McCoy marveled in awe. “How do you get yourself in these messes? And why are Spock and I always bailing you out of them?" A new thought occurred to McCoy. "Hey, what did you have to tell Spock so that he would go along with this?”

“Oh, he was willing simply because I asked him. That’s how much of a good buddy that he is.”

“And you’re saying that I’m not?!” McCoy roared.

Kirk shrugged. “Just saying. That’s all it took for Spock to go along. Just because I asked him.”

“Apple polisher! Little Goody Two-Shoes!” McCoy muttered. Then a new thought surfaced. “Hey, which one of us gets to poke the other one?”

“That’s rather crude, isn’t it?” Kirk asked with a pained look on his face.

“You wanna make something beautiful outa this? You do know what all of this amounts to, don’t you? You do know that this involves someone's penis being inserted into someone's asshole, don't you? It’s not a stroll in the park with your true love or attending Little Suzie’s tea party with her stuffed bear family. This is big time sex!”

“Well, you know, it could be beautiful, if you do it right,” Kirk answered hopefully.

McCoy studied him. “You are a romantic at heart, aren’t you?”

"I'm just a prisoner of love,"Kirk answered with mellow, toasty eyes. 

“I’m curious as hell about how you got into this bind, but I doubt if even you are too certain how it all came about.”

“What can I say? Late night. Out drinking with other Star Fleet captains. Bored after shooting one too many cockroaches with lasers. The sport went out of that damn fast when they caught on and started hiding on us. Then getting in a pissing contest about the most outlandish pairings in each captain’s crew. Hands down, I won with you and Spock.”

“I don’t know whether to be pleased or pissed off,” McCoy said in awe and righteous indignation. “What’s so odd about me and Spock getting together, anyway? We’re both fairly smart and qualified for our positions on the Enterprise. And we’re both fairly good looking, if you don’t mind pointed ears and green skin on one of us. And we’re both diplomatic and refined, if I must modestly say so myself. Why, we're both the very definition of a civilized man who is interested in peace throughout the universe.”

“Except between yourselves. Bones! The only reason that you two haven’t killed each other yet is that you wouldn’t be able to argue with each other again! You both must lose sleep over how to plague the hell outa each other! But you’ve become legendary. It’s a well known fact in the Fleet that you two mix as well together as oil and water. I hadn't realized that you two had made the Enterprise so well known.”

“Well, I guess that we’re good for something, then,” McCoy muttered, thoroughly miffed. "I still say that we are genteel, though."

“As for who gets to poke whom, I’ll, ah, let you two iron out the details.”

“Well, I suppose that we should be happy for that much. It’s a wonder that you hadn’t started a pool over who would do whom and where and when.”

“Bones! That would be crass! What do you take me for?” Kirk demanded way too defensively. Regrettably for McCoy, he didn’t notice Kirk’s rush to protect himself. Otherwise, McCoy would have just cause for his suspicion.

But McCoy wasn’t completely fooled. “I’ve been around you too long, Kirk. I know how you think. That’s why I’m dubious about this whole thing.”

“Hey! We’re talking my two best buddies here!”

“When has that ever stopped you? Especially when it came to a bet?”

“Bones! Buddy!” Kirk said as he slung his arm around McCoy’s shoulders. “Keep talking like that, and next you’ll be hurting my feelings!”

“Better than your ass. And that’s what’s going to happen to the ass of one of your best buddies, Captain Kirk. Or hadn’t you even realized that getting poked in the butt would require stretching some muscles that ordinarily don’t get stretched that much? Or for that reason? Or in that direction?”

“Bones! Bones! There you go being crass again! But, really, could you be a buddy and hold up your end of this arrangement? I really would appreciate it.”

McCoy shuddered. “And I would appreciate it if you could word that question a little differently so it wouldn’t sound so suggestive. Okay? That makes the potential situation all the more real, somehow.”

“Well, you mustn't tarry. You know that Spock is waiting--”

McCoy paled. “The hell he is!”

“In his quarters.”

“Oh, hell. That place looks like a maharajah lives there. I’ll feel like I’m entering a sultan’s den.”

“I’m sure he’ll be gentle, Bones.”

McCoy paled further. “I’m the one getting poked?”

"Not if you don't want."

"I don't want!" McCoy pondered the prospect. "Would I?"

“Think of it, Bones,” Kirk said seductively as he squeezed McCoy’s shoulders. “You’ll be getting Spock. Spock! Can you imagine what that would be like?! It’d be quite a feather in your cap to get Spock to do that to you. Guys all over the universe will be so jealous of you.”

“Yeah. Spock,” McCoy repeated as if mesmerized. He looked at Kirk. “Who else could ever say that he’d been had by Spock? I’d be a legend!”

Then Kirk went and ruined McCoy's pipedream.

"Oh, I don't know if you'd want to be the bottom."

"I wouldn't?"

"Nah! Bones, all that speculation about Spock being gentle and loving, you can't believe."

"I wouldn't?" McCoy repeated.

"Nah! None of that can be true!"

"But what if it is?"

Kirk shrugged. "Well, you could always find out, I suppose."

"Maybe we could take turns!"

“Right! Now you’re thinking!” Kirk pulled his arm away from McCoy’s shoulder, then took McCoy’s shoulders in his two hands. “Now, go, and conquer! Or in your case, submit.”

“Yeah. Submit.” Possibilities were still going through McCoy's mind. It was all a little daunting to accept. Too many images were coming at him too fast. But yet, Spock. Spock! He could have Spock!

McCoy mentally swallowed hard. And Spock could have him. That was the part that was so daunting.

Kirk felt McCoy’s hesitation, but turned him resolutely toward the door. “Now, go.” Then he encouraged. “And good luck.”

“Jim, I, I don’t know how to go about this-- I'm kinda confused. How do I approach him? What do I say?”

“Just get yourself ready. Be seductive, so Spock will catch on just by looking at you. Be bold. Barge boldly into his quarters. Then declare yourself. Spock would like that.”

“He would?”

“Yeah. He likes sexually aggressive guys.”

“I never figured that--” McCoy muttered, trying to match that information with what he’d always known about Spock. Funny, you thought that you knew a guy. All this time around him should’ve given some sort of clues about him. Learn something new every day. 

McCoy left, shaking his head in wonder.

 

After the door slid shut on McCoy, Kirk made a call. “Yeah, it's all set. Tonight. Spock’s quarters. McCoy’s on the bottom.” He listened a moment. “No, I won’t tell you how I arranged it, but it’s a done deal. No, Spock doesn’t know anything about it. I’ll pay them both back for that April Fool’s prank that they pulled on me several years ago. They think that I’ve probably forgotten, but I have a long memory. No, they won’t kill me, even though that might be their immediate reaction. They may even thank me in the long run, if everything goes the way I’d like it to go for them. Yeah, I am an old romantic. You've found me out. But Spring is in the air, and I’ll do my part to hurry romance along. What's that? How will I know that they will actually do the big nasty? Let me work on that one.”

 

Spock was sitting cross-legged as his meditation mat when the door to his quarters slid open. It could only be Kirk or McCoy, so he had no fear of harm. The next moment nearly caused him to change his opinion, though.

McCoy burst in, wearing a white towel knotted low on his waist and nothing else, except for a wild look in his eyes.

“I’m here, Vulcan! Your prayers have been answered!”

“Indeed,” Spock replied calmly. “And this is good news to me for some reason?”

“Hell, yes! Now get off your ass and start servicing me!”

Spock complied, part way. He pulled himself to his feet, but proceeded to study McCoy instead of servicing him as McCoy had demanded.

Spock was dressed in a short meditation robe. It was a wonder that McCoy had not been afforded a free peek as Spock had gracefully stood. Long years of performing the movement had perfected Spock’s maneuver, though.

“You do not appear to be drinking,” Spock remarked after a quick moment of quiet study. “Have you taken a recent fall and injured your head? Or did you ingest drugs that have affected you adversely?”

“I am perfectly healthy! Fit and ready for whatever comes my way! And I'm ready for it to come my way!” McCoy declared.

“Maybe you are fit physically. But your mental health is in question.” Spock continued to study him.

“I am not crazy!”

“How can you make a statement like that when you are demonstrating to me that your actions are in question? I believe that you should leave so that you may rethink your actions in solitude.”

McCoy frowned, suddenly feeling very silly. “Wait a minute. Jim didn’t make arrangements for you to entertain me here? In your quarters? Tonight?”

“Jim made no such arrangements with me.” Spock raised one eyebrow with disdain. "Of that, I can completely assure you."

“Oh, hell!” McCoy became aware of how naked he was in nothing but his low-slung towel. He made a grab for it, to shield himself some more, perhaps. But the motion loosened the towel, and it slid away to expose all of McCoy's attributes.

Spock critically raised his eyebrow again. “Hmm,” he muttered. “Nothing much to offer, I see. And I was supposed to be impressed and thankful for a presentation such as this?”

“Well!” McCoy was miffed, besides blushing beet red. “Everybody’s a critic!”

“Hey, guys, I see that you’re getting acquainted,” Kirk said as he leaned just inside the door. Neither had heard him enter. Kirk grinned. “I also see that the cold is getting to McCoy."

"Jim! Can you explain what the hell is going on?!"

"It's payback time, Bones," Kirk said ominously.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"It's a long story. But the end of it is, April Fools!”

"Is that what this charade was all really about?" McCoy demanded. "An elaborate April Fool's joke?"

"Partly. And partly to pay you two back for the supposed willing women that I was supposed to find in my bed in that darkened hotel room. Remember that? I was just supposed to show up naked and jump in the bed, ready for action. But it was actually a bunch of puppies waiting for me. I learned that startling fact when the lights came on and I realized that I was being filmed while puppies were tumbling all over me."

"Oh, yeah. That time," McCoy muttered sheepishly.

"Paybacks are hell, guys, in case you'd never heard. I hope that you are duly chastised and embarrassed. I needed to come up with the craziest situation possible, and I believe that I have succeeded," Kirk said smugly.

“Indeed, you may well think that, Captain,” Spock said calmly. “But I believe that you are wrong.”

“Oh?”

“I was just examining what Dr. McCoy has to offer me, and I was contemplating my prize when you appeared. Now I am accepting his offer.” He opened his short meditation robe and pulled it around McCoy’s cold body.

McCoy and Kirk had both seen that Spock was naked from the brief flash of the robe's opening. Now there were two naked bodies inside that skimpy garment. Neither guy had any fat on himself, but Kirk could still see patches of bare skin. A meditation robe was only so big.

“And I am finding my prize to be most pleasing,” Spock concluded with satisfaction.

“Eh?” McCoy asked.

“You do?” Kirk asked.

“I do. And now, Captain, if you will excuse us, I believe that Dr. McCoy and I would like to get further acquainted.”

“You would?”

“We would?”

Spock looked fondly at McCoy. “We would.”

“Well, gee, I guess that’s my cue to leave then, huh, guys?”

“If you would be so kind, Captain--”

"And leave? Sure." Kirk gave them a closed mouth grin. “Well, ah, have fun, guys.”

“That we will, Captain. Good night,” Spock said pointedly.

“April Fools!” Kirk hollered again as if he could still get a victory from the turn of events. Then the door closed on him.

“What the hell--”

“Wait,” Spock commanded with his hand up. “I want to make certain that Jim is indeed gone.”

“Spock, I wouldn’t have come busting in here the way I did if--”

“I know who was behind it, or rather I should say them. There was more than one twist going on here.”

“It was a joke within a joke?”

“Who knows what Jim’s original bet was. He may have lost sight of it himself.” Spock retrieved McCoy’s towel and handed it to McCoy. “Perhaps you would feel more comfortable with the towel around yourself.” 

Spock released McCoy so that McCoy could adjust the towel back around himself again.

“And we were the butt of his joke?”

“Yes, but he was not malicious. Just wicked, as an errant schoolboy is wicked. He meant no harm.”

“Still, we shouldn’t let him get away with it.” McCoy thought for a moment.

“There is a way.”

“How?”

“Stay here tonight. With me.”

McCoy seemed dubious, then his eyes gleamed. “You know, I kinda liked it there inside your robe with all of your bare skin against all of my bare skin.”

“And you are no longer cold, I see. Shall we fool Jim by indeed spending the night together?”

“I’m game!”

“We shall have a tryst and show him that we can still decide some things for ourselves.”

“Yeah! And I’ll be on the bottom! That would really teach Jim a thing or two! He can't decide everything!” McCoy's eyes questioned Spock. “If that is alright with you?”

Spock’s eyes glowed with interest. “Agreed. If we could now proceed with the evening's entertainment.”

"Gladly!" And with that, McCoy dropped the towel again.

 

Anytime, guys, Kirk was thinking with a smug grin and twinkling eyes as he hurried through the passages of the Enterprise. Have fun together. Meanwhile, I’ll practice my surprised look so I can use it tomorrow, or whenever you two come up for air again.

"Enjoying the evening, Captain?" a passing crewman asked.

"Very much!" Kirk responded with a blazing smile. "Very much, indeed."

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Star Trek, its characters, and/or its story lines.


End file.
